Toto Restaurant, Tel Aviv

There's a game called the association game, you take a word, draw a circle around it and then, like the sun, draw rays out with associated words. Today's word is: Toto. First things that come to mind are, mmm... Dorothy's dog in the Wizard of Oz, that successful 80's band (Africa!) and Japanese toilets (those that warm your rump and even wash it).

Toto toilet in Japan, not at the T.A restaurant.

But enough with the good things, today's association is a dreadful one, a horror one would believe to exist only in the Grimm brothers' tales.
Ok, that's a tad much! ;-)

Toto Restaurant is a lauded restaurant sitting in Tel Aviv, so lauded it's often mentioned as one of Israel's top ten restaurants. Or is that so...?

As you might have guessed, I'm disgusted, furious and offended by the - for lack of better word - poor excuse of something pretending to be an Italian restaurant. While I thought of writing this review in the morning, I decided to be sure not one detail would slip away and let you know, dear Israeli readers, that Toto is most probably the most overrated restaurant in Israel. 

I am writing this post, sucking on a Tums and literally in pain. Because I love food and respect so much those who pour their heart into it, I feel violated. It's like someone farted in a pan and called it ermm... Green Pasta with Shrimps and mussels. Ohh wait, that's one of the dishes I ate. 

Lets start.

After we were given a menu, we were pretty much left on our own. And let me tell you, whoever wrote that menu should be kicked in the rear. No clear description, no methods of confection, no ingredients, just silly empty meaningless names. Me and my P.I.C called our waiter three times before he came, nonchalantly. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to know anything of what was written in the menu and stared at us (and at the menu) blankly, like a dead fish. We asked what pizza was there on the menu and he said... erm... there's ermm... pizza, with cheese... and additions. 

Additions? 

We had pretty much picked our dishes but decided to ask anyways what he recommended and again, he nodded vaguely and said we had already picked the most recommended dishes. How convenient.

Five minutes later, they brought us a plate of sliced bread, which was nice and served with a variety of olives, olive oil and a tomato sauce, very much like the type served with jachnun.

 Good bread, nice olives, bitter olive oil and jachnun tomato sauce

We decided to order 4 dishes and a pizza, so we could get a good sampling of food. We politely asked that it should be brought 2 dishes at the time, so that it would not all go cold. This was completely ignored.

The first dish, Shrimp Calamari and Octopus Bisque tasted alright, but it was no bisque at all. Bisque is supposed to be a creamy seafood flavored soup (you'll soon realize there is a pattern here). This was just a mess of different things, tossed in a random sauce. Ohh, and there wasn't any octopus there either.

 This was probably the best dish, though it wasn't a bisque at all.

That's basil on top.

Then came the pizza... while our first reaction was a "ohhhh nice", it quickly faded into a "errmm... something's wrong here". The crust was neither crispy or chewy... it just felt like a dense tasteless wet cookie. The tomato sauce was good though, otherwise, if you really feel like getting ripped, just spare yourself the trouble and go straight to Pizzahut.

Pizza: Salami, aged Parmesan, old and wilted arugula and basil on top.

We then tasted the green pasta with shrimps and mussels. Ok, seriously, I never really liked dill that much, except in my chicken soup and pickles, but they really went bananas on this one. The pasta was made with dill, the sauce was made with dill and the whole dish had... you guessed, dill sauce! I'm done with dill for the next few years. Pun intended... I could not dill with it. I would love to meet the guy who came up with this brilliant dish and slap him sideways, up and down.

 Dill, dill, dill and basil.

Thought that was all? Ohh no... this is only going down from here.

Blue Crab with Wassabi Cream (yes, they can't even spell "Wasabi"). Four tiny crabs, hidden under a goo pile of over powering wasabi cream. I bravely started to crack the little beast open and pry anything I could from its tiny body, but I mostly just ate wasabi.

I usually enjoy wasabi, but not as a main dish. 

More basil, purple this time.

Did I mention that every single dish was garnished with basil? If I was Italian, I guess that was supposed to make me feel right at home.

Not.

We also had ordered the black pasta, but, thank goodness, it didn't make it and we never got to see the likes of it. We didn't complain about it.

Time for the desserts. I must say we had high hopes and wished deep in our hearts that this could somehow redeem Toto... after all, it wasn't going too well.We looked liked two bloated wales, washed ashore, determined to live long enough to tell about the desserts. We had nothing else to hope for.

Cake or death?

I'll take the cake, thank you.

Cannoli with Mascarpone for my friend and Tarte Tatin with Whiskey ice cream for me.

Ok, it's just getting late now... I'm tired, my stomach aches and I don't even know how to start with this one.

I ate cannoli in my days, I grew up in Canada in a Italian neighborhood, so cannoli is as much part of my childhood as were Popsicle. What they presented us with was a rolled piece of cardboard. Thick, dry, flavorless and over fried. While I still hoped for a sign of crunch, there's was nothing but an old cookie and within whatever was left of its cavity, they managed to shove some cream. I can't even say if it was good, it was just cookie all over. It was served over a strawberry and cherry salad. But the truth is, it was simply preserved supermarket sour cherries with sliced strawberry and orange zest. They added some pieces of broken meringue on top and that was it. It was sickeningly sweet.

 Rock hard cannoli anyone? The color you see is actually because the thing was overfried.

My Tarte Tatin, which my waiter naively called "tatine", was just sad. The tarte tatin was simply an apple crumble that didn't even taste very fresh, was served with a ball of whiskey ice cream, but all I could feel was the horrible taste of rum extract, the bad one that tastes like medicine. Some whipped cream around to make it pretty and there you have it.

 Deceivingly pretty.

11:00 pm, 500 shekels later and an empty bottle of Tums, thanks Toto.

Did you have a bad experience too? 
Don't get mad, get even. Leave a comment and share your thoughts.


Adenda: I just realized that the chef, Yaron Shalev, was someone I actually worked with when I was at Raphael. Though he probably would not remember me, since he was mostly busy giving hell to anyone below him. If I knew he was the chef behind this restaurant, I would have never ever consider eating there. He was  thoroughly unpleasant and had that holier-than-thou attitude which is the hallmark of a snotty little brat. 
If you wondered, yes, it just became personal.

Afternoon Lunch at Nana's Resto Bar

Located in the beautiful rustic area of Neveh Tsedek, this restaurant might go by unnoticed, hidden away behind a lush vegetation. The inside is quite light and open aired and has that feel of old Tel Aviv, with black and white pictures and classic paintings all around. The center of the restaurant is dominated by a pretty patio, which brings yet more light to the entire place.

We were all quickly seated and our waitress tended to us very professionally.

On with the food!

Our starters:

Beef filet Carpaccio with a dressing of olive oil and balsamic with parmesan cheese and baby roquette

I love a good carpaccio and I wish this one could have lived to my expectations. Unfortunately, there were no surprises and a few disappointing notes about this no brainer of a dish.

The meat was completely unseasoned and not at it's prime condition, the roquette salad was so small I would rather describe it as a decoration and I could not understand why  I was served thick slabs of old parmesan on a side bowl. I was given another bowl with a tiny little bit of balsamic vinegar and olive oil, not early enough to season my bland carpaccio. We also ordered the bread, which was rather nice and crisp.  

Chicken Livers Pate with homemade jam
This was my partners starter. Though simple, it was quite tasty and the liver was done just right. The jam was a nice touch and complemented the tender livers.

Main Courses:
Baked Salmon Fillet on penne pasta in supreme sauce

A nice piece of well cooked salmon, nested in a bed of penne and covered in a cream and butter sauce. Here was an uncomplicated, delicious and well seasoned dish.  This was a very healthy and filling portion. Thumbs up!

Fillet of Mullard served with red wine sauce , mashed root-vegetables and asparagus

This dish was wrong in so many ways that I was starting to feel that someone hadn't put his ideas well together or was just experimenting as it went. The mullard was overcooked, but strangely enough, the skin on top, which should be golden, yummy and crispy, was white and mushy, which made it very unpleasant to eat. I would say that this was about 1/3 of a mullard's, so the portion was quite small (no more than a 100 g). On the other hand, the mashed root-vegetables took nearly the entire plate and didn't add anything good to the dish. The color was an unappetizing orange/green and the mass had already formed a thin dry film on top, like soup left on the stove. Two sad, cold and estranged spears of asparagus didn't make it any easier on the eye.  

Dessert: 
Chocolate fondant with vanilla ice cream
We were presented with three pieces of fondant, milk chocolate, dark and white chocolate over a light vanilla custard and ice cream on the side. I'm not sure if eating squares of fondant counts as a true dessert, but it was nice ending to our meal.

Foodwise, there's a lot to be done. You can just feel that they are putting an effort, but it's just not there yet. The menu doesn't present anything new or particularly exciting and overall, it's quite expensive. Most dishes can easily be whisked up at home in 30 minutes at a fraction of the price and probably with better results (see my next post). Don't expect to come out of there for any less than 150 shekels per person.

Rating: 7/10

 

 

Black Bar 'n' Burger - Anyone feeling Nostalgic?

Having a bad cold can sometimes make us feel nostalgic, and being sick as a dog, thoughts of my mom rubbing Vics on my chest and giving me hot milk with ungodly amounts of honey pop into my mind. Ahh... it was good to be 5 or 6 years old. The world was rather forgiving.

I was just looking at some pictures and stumble upon this one:

That's me, with the blue MJ's style Thriller jacket

Yes, I grew up in Canada in the '80s, by the time Burger King and McDonalds still had that innocent charm and it was cool to do birthday parties there and bring the cake. The employees would put up balloons and even join in to sing Happy Birthday. 

It didn't seem all that bad then and I sometimes wonder what changed.

Today, I don't even like burgers all that much. Or so I thought.

I suddenly had a craving. Not just any craving, I wanted a big burger. Not a sad mushed up Whooper, no, no, no. I wanted a burger that would make me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. The moment I mumbled the word 'burger', my husband proposed me to go out and have one, so my friend (thanks Roni!) shook me around a bit and slapped some senses into me and dragged me to Azrieli.

We sat down at one of the booths at Black Bar 'n' Burger and were quickly attended. My  partner in crime ordered the "chicken burger" and I decided I wouldn't go for any less than the "Schwarzenegger" (220g of meat). For someone who usually takes "happy meal" portions, this was  fantastically big... but then again, so was my appetite.

The burger took a little long to arrive (around 20 minutes), but aside from the fact that the restaurant was packed at 9pm on a week day, I was feeling very forgiving and waited patiently. 
Both plates were very well presented and everything looked nice and fresh. We had an assortment of sauces on a table and when I picked the ketchup I suddenly realized that someone had carefully cleaned all the nozzles of the bottles. No greasy bottles, no bits of dried out ketchup. Nice!

I looked at my friend's chicken patty and wondered why on earth would someone pay 51 shekels for a chicken burger. 

Until I tasted. 
While most of us dread the thought of a  burger made out of anything but beef, this was delicious, moist and full of flavor. I dare to say it was nearly as good as the beef patty. I highly recommend it, specially if your looking for something a little lighter, yet still have that burger craving.

The OffBurger

As for my burger, it was frightening, in fact, I will not display the pictures where it actually looks bigger than my head. I managed to get hold of it and started to dig in as gracefully as I could.

The bread was lightly toasted and warm, as it should, the vegetables were fresh an crisp and the meat patty itself tasted amazing. Just the right amount of salt, not too greasy, yet juicy and medium rare, just like I asked.

I was one happy gal. Yum.

The Schwarzenegger

The dessert menu seemed interesting and we decided to try The Kremlin. Wonder why they call it that way? Take a look...

The Kremlin 

Lots of chocolate in the shape of brownies, mousse, truffles and nuts. Though it was really nice and chocolaty, we felt almost immediately that typical "left in the freezer for ages" taste.

The brownie at the bottom was still frozen and we struggled to break into it. This, in contrast with the soft chocolate mousse on top, made the whole "building" very unstable. Sadly, some of the nuts were also rancid. But aside from this (which is pretty bad in itself), the dessert was nicely presented and the different parts tasted pretty good (once defrosted).

This wasn't the perfect ending to our meal, true. But the burger was the star and ultimately, until I find something to top this, me and Schwarzenegger are going to see a lot of each other.

Score: 8/10

Cheers all!


EDIT: I have heard from several sources that these last weeks, the quality of Black Bar n' Burger has went downwards and the prices have just equally gone upwards. This deserves a second appreciation and perhaps a new rating.